lolwut

So we're kind of on a break. Um, not from blogging per se; from seeing you. 

*siiiiiiiigh* 

I initiated how I still felt about you and you were surprised. "Huh? You like me? I had no idea!" But the thing is, I think you did know. I think. The rationalization behind this being that you're so perceptive, and you know me pretty well, how could you NOT know? It's so obvious. I could write it on my forehead in sharpie, make myself a walking billboard advertising "I less than three you," and it wouldn't even matter!

But then there's the issue that maybe I'm too emotionally guarded, that I don't let people in? So maybe that's why she doesn't perceive me that well?

But there's no way! She's so smart, she gets me, how could she NOT know? 

But THEN it's like, maybe I just wasn't being as open with her as she was to me? Maybe I'm too surreptitious myself and it's my fault? 

But then if you can't open up to her-

GAH. FUCK THIS. 

Seriously though, you see? This is what happens when you're around me. My thoughts just go on these directionless tangents. I'm constantly in the dark about how you feel, so it doesn't matter if I'm an open book to you or not. I can be as simple or as complicated as can be, Clifford the Big Red Dog or James Joyces' Finnegan's Wake, it doesn't matter if I'm open if you're not. I don't know you as well as you know me and it's scary. I try to dive into murky waters where I can't see the bottom, and common sense dictates that well, I shouldn't. I should do it when the pool's crystal clear, yeah? We should be going with someone that erases our doubts, that we can see clearly. And the reason that they allow us to see so much into their selves is because they trust us completely. 

I don't know if I know you, I don't know if you trust me, and that terrifies me. 

Maybe I'm just looking too closely, to the point where I can't see the big picture. Or maybe I'm just trying to see something which isn't really there. But the point is, I need to take a step back and re-evaluate this whole thing over again, and in order to do that I need to stop seeing you for a while. Living with doubt is hard, yo. Sorry.

*ahem* 

So what does this mean for this blog? Maybe it'll depart from centering around you so much; I might choose to write about my day, or um, ADVENTURES, or girls that I like that AREN'T you! Or something. I don't know. It'll probably be the same stuff as before. Or something. I dunno. 

*sigh*

It's hard to see where we'll be a couple months from now, and it's hard to see where this whole, "writing" thing will go a couple years from now. But I think one of my fatal flaws would be looking too far into the future, when the only thing I should be focused on is the temporal, the present, the here and now. 

Chasing after ghosts is dumb, after-all.