Day one!

Topic of the day: back posture.

I have really bad posture. I hunch a lot. In middle school I freaked out because of the scoliosis tests. My family taped a ruler to the back of my spine one summer to attempt to fix the problem. And years later here I am, the same old hunchback that I was when I was thirteen. You know how the spine is S-shaped in order to absorb impacts? I have this mental image in my head of me compacting it even more. I've done a lot of manual labor in my life, for my mom, for my church, for my school, and most recently for my job. I'm just used to lifting heavy things, I guess. So every time I lift something over my head, I picture my spine scrunching up, all the way, until one day it just cracks and I turn into a pile of jelly.

Of course, that's not rational. Realistically speaking, heavy lifting will only cause a horrible strain on your joints/muscles which will worsen as you get older. I think I'm going through that process right now. My back hurts. It's nothing debilitating, and it's sort of like an itch that you can't scratch, but it doesn't really bother you. It's just there. I should get that checked out. Right now, I hunch over to lift things off the ground at work, and when I get home I sit crooked in front of my computer screen, browsing the internet. I moved my computer on the floor where my mattress lies, and am now typing this on my stomach. I should fix this before school starts. They have safety training videos that teach you how to sit ergonomically but I think that's such bullshit. But anyway.

With my wide frame and my hunched shoulders, I guess I'd come off as pretty menacing to new people. My coworker was telling me that at first when he saw me, I reminded him of thugs you wouldn't want to mess with in a dark alley. And then I opened my mouth. I guess there's this conflict between the image I project and my personality. I would rather not want to come off as particularly terrifying. I would like to think I'm a pretty approachable guy. I try to be friendly, even though I really don't have that much to talk about at first. But because of the way that I was perceived, I was too used to being alone as well. I didn't mind it. So I'd always be outside, on the border of things, not giving a thought to the world.

But now is not the time for that. First and foremost, sore back. I really should do something about that. I've been doing these exercises in the morning, the ones that old people do. "Reach towards the skies, and now bend down and thank the Earth." It's really good for the back, and I'm glad that my roommate isn't around to see it because it's so embarrassing. But another thing that bothers me in the day is my sore knee, and I can't really find an exercise to fix that. My sore knee is a hereditary thing, stemming from my dad's side of the family. Usually if you don't get it checked out it'll put you out of commission until you get surgery for it, one that my dad, my aunt, and my cousin have gotten in recent years. It's like my body's a ticking time bomb, and when it goes off I'll find myself being held up by a cane for the rest of my life. I find myself more tired these days, and am in no need for unnecessary stress. I get my work done, and I go off to chill in my room and read quietly.

Why the hell are you breaking your back for?

I didn't really feel like I needed my own money until I met you. Sad, isn't it? I learned to live on a budget a long time ago, so it's not like went out to eat often. I bought secondhand books and pirated everything else off the internet for my own entertainment. I got all of my money through tutoring, which I saved for my pocket money in college. I was given an allowance by my parents, $30 for two weeks, and I made that last. As far as I could see I was living the good life.

When you first met me, I was surprised, because you did it with such ease. You were a good conversationalist. You brought me out of my shell. If there was an instance where an awkward silence might come up, you worked your magic and turned it around, or even harder to do, you just made it seem natural until there was something else we could bring up. I found myself taking the initiative to talk to you. We went out a lot, and I began to realize how expensive things were. I began to feel really guilty about the money I was spending that I hadn't even earned myself, and when college rolled around I ended up getting my first real job to feel more financially independent.

I really wanted to use the money to visit you. It's kind of crazy now when I think back on it. But when it came time to choose which college to attend, when you were stuck between staying in-state or going out of state, you asked me what I'd do. And I said that "my choice isn't yours, just go with what you feel like. Think about where you'd want to be." I wanted to convince you so badly to stay in California, but I knew that'd be wrong. It's your choice where you want to go. And so even though I hoped so hard for you to stay here you ended up an the opposite coast. When the thought that that distance could easily be rectified through plane tickets and reserved hotels, I was enlivened to the point where I began applying randomly for jobs on-campus.

It's really bad, isn't it. I accepted the very first job I could get and during that first month I went back to my dorm sore every single night.

I mean, the whole visiting thing didn't work out. When I became financially independent, I really did become independent. Everything I spent money on came from my own pocket. And the same words that you spoke that propelled me into society, into a job, into the world, guided me to friends. I was a much more reserved person before I met you. I'm not so secluded anymore.

So why the heck are you still breaking your back?

I like the me that you brought out. The me that talks to people, the one that doesn't spend all of his time alone. The one that finds meaning in little things, because he could so easily grasp meaning when he was with you. Even though you're not here, I still want that feeling to stay. So I make due with a little ache in my back, because you had held up my whole world and never complained once.