what

I don't think I interact enough with my generation, because whenever I talk to my peers about things I'm always astonished by certain stories they tell me.

"Wait, you can sleep in the same bed together even if you've only been dating for a month?"

"You kiss on the first date? With your tongue?"

"...You gave a handjob to what now?"

I'm especially naive for my age, I know that. Maybe I'm too routed in the roots of Catholic morality, or maybe I've been spending too much time with people much older than me, and have simply inherited their much older sensibilities. Maybe I'm a prude. Maybe I'm a recluse concerning physical contact. We're at an age where relationships are accelerated, that weird threshold of teenager and adult, where people age twenty trapeze around the thin boundaries of their sexuality to enjoy themselves.

I know that, but I still can't help but feel astonished at the whole thing.

In the back of my mind lies an epistemologist, pushing at the back of my brain and constantly reminding me of my mortality. I obsess day after day about meaning, of the word, the concept, the virtue. What the fuck does that mean? Where the hell am I supposed to invest my efforts in? What the hell am I doing with my life.

For God's sake, I'm only twenty.

I don't know the roots of my stringent moral foundation. I don't practice religion faithfully, employing God's name simply when its most convenient, when there's some cosmic phenomenon I can't reason out within the constraints of my mind. I understand that there are evil people in this world, that people as a whole are mostly a moral gray, acting mostly out of their self-interest than for the sake of other people. We're nice to others so they're nice to us. We give things in the hopes of getting something back, be it physically or mentally. I understand that. I definitely recognize that I do it myself. I cuss. I cuss a lot. I curse incessantly. I sound like a sailor. I say shit in front of my bosses, I shout fuck in front of females. I'm called out on it a lot. There's ladies present. Be a gentleman. But I understand that its not the things you say, or even the way you act, that defines your moral values.


I act a certain way because I know that the world isn't some pure virgin, she's some girl that been around the corner more than a few times. Yet, despite all of that, of knowing the world isn't some lovey-dovey puritan world, there's something about the oversexualization of our culture that just frustrates the fuck out of me.

I'm going to acknowledge the seeming hypocrisy first off. I definitely value physical attributes. If two girls were standing next to each other, I would notice the prettier one first. I definitely like a pretty face. I recognize the highlights of a good body. There is definitely a shallower side to me, and if that automatically invalidates this argument, so be it.

But still though, to hear someone talk about blowjobs and fingerings and one night stands and banging that ass and making some girl moan like you were talking about what you ate that day or how the weather was, to talk about sexual acts like it was fucking casual conversation is something that annoys me to my core.

I know where this frustration comes from, where all of this anger is welling up from: dignity. You guys can have your fun, I get that. I'm not going to tell someone to NOT engage in sexual acts. Hell, I'll probably do the same things too, but I'd do it with someone I know, someone I trust. I can't take the thought of someone selling their body to someone so else so easily. Giving a blowjob to someone on the third date might be something you enjoy, but if you're looking for fun go read a fucking book before you embarrass yourself. It's like the action of fucking has saturated itself into everything.

I don't know where I was going with this, or what I'm really mad about, and I'm definitely too tired to even continue writing like this, but I want to say one thing, and one thing only. If you have the slightest iota of self-respect for yourself, don't give in to those temporal pleasures so easily. Maybe I'm thinking of it in a weird way, but your body's a valuable thing, and seeing someone let someone else into it so easily disgusts me deeply.

Good night.