cathartic

Someone once told me that I was a poetic drunk and that I should blog whenever I'm inebriated. Hence, that's how this blog was born. Not to say that I ALWAYS blog drunk; the last time I drank was way back in September, a period of sobriety equivalent to eons considering that I'm a college student. No, when I'm drunk I always tend to expound on things I don't normally talk about, aka my personal problems.

I don't really talking about stuff that concerns me. I mean, I'll complain about work or school or whatever, but the bigger things, the things people would consider as crises in their lives, I tend to keep those to myself. It's more out of politeness and tact than anything else; I mean, no one wants to hear constantly about another person's problems considering that they have their own to deal with. On top of that, it's not like the problem magically goes away when we let it out into the air. If anything, when we talk about it with other people, we're simply letting off a little steam, which will come back eventually, and burdening our patient listener with another concern for us.

So anyway, I tend to keep things that deeply, truly concern me to myself. It sucks, and I definitely know that it's not healthy, which is why I only talk to people I deeply trust about certain things. If I were to put it on levels 1 to 10, I guess the extent that people know about my problems would be about... level 7? Stuff that's sad but not necessarily tragic, stuff that concerns but isn't life ruining. In essence, normal, everyday crises that everyone experiences deeply in their day to day.

Well actually, when I said that I don't want to burden people, that's a lie. I look at people and I suddenly want to stop everything, to try to get them to understand me. I want to let go of everything at once and just have a good conversation with someone. The thing is, I don't really get people. I know this sounds angsty and preteeny or whatever, but it's true. I realize I'm not necessarily someone that can get along with everyone, and I think others can sense that in me. Still though, on another level: I don't want people to know too much about me, because it scares me to know how much someone knows of my vulnerablity.

I tend to get my thoughts organized around writing. I never really wrote this way-memoir style-until I started this blog. Like, I never really committed myself and just myself into writing. You know, instead of trying to establish a narrative and a character and a story, I'm simply unfurling words to reveal me. It's a very cathartic feeling, and it's a lot less stressful than writing fiction. For one thing, I'm less concerned about diction and syntax; why would you care about organization when all you're doing is transferring your literal thoughts onto paper? For another thing, there's no finer details to concern myself with; I'm just writing. It's like talking to my screen: spontaneous and easy.

That's why I feel like more of me comes out when I write. It's like I'm talking to myself. I know that this blog is public, and that anyone can stumble upon it and see me vent me out without concern for anyone else. I even know that some of my friends may be following this because it's under my links on facebook (hi friends!). But at the same time, it still doesn't take away its appeal. It's like shouting your secrets from the top of a tall mountain: it echoes everywhere and you can't stop anyone from hearing it, but you still really want to do it anyway.

Not to say that I'm going to unveil everything, but just enough to make me a functioning member of society. You know, a normal person (ish...). I don't really know what I'm talking about. Do you? I'm just saying, when I get all of this out it feels nice.